Communicating in the Style of Jesus – part threeEditor’s note: This is the third of a series of articles to help usreflect on the ways we communicate. It is based on a workshopexperience I wrote and conducted in the late Eighties.In order to “Listen and Speak as Jesus Did” we need to growin three dimensions: (1) the way we talk to ourselves and listen to what’s going on in our bodies / feelings / mind /and will; (2) the way we talk and listen to other people; and (3) the way we talk and listen to God.Our communication on any or all of these fronts can be healthy orunhealthy. Very often, our ability to communicate in a way thatnourishes us and provides some sort of inner connection with ourselves, with others, with God is stunted by situations where trueloving communication has broken down. We might notice over theyears, very painfully, that like a tree severely stunted by a severe coldsnap we sometimes wither up and die. We withdraw within. Not onlymay we not relate well to our outer world and the people close to usduring these times, our inner life may become muddled and confusedand often depressed. A tree’s nature is to keep growing at these times. Soon it willrecover and new signs of growth will appear, often stronger thanbefore. This can be true for us humans, too, but, very often, we getstuck in our pain which arises from some inner or outermiscommunication. We don't easily recover.
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May we prayerfully intend that we uncover the issues in our lifethat have stunted our growth and ask the Holy Spirit to pour intothose places God's own healing ointment. We can get "unstuck" andfind new signs of life in our relationship with our True Self and withthose around us. We might even find our own True Voice, the voice ofour True and Authentic Self. (We will get to that in a later issue.)We believe that change is possible in the way we communicate.That we can be healed of the hurtful ways we have communicated inthe past or have been communicated with. We can find new, morewholesome ways of doing so. Moreover, we can change the effects ofother persons' diminishing and harmful communication on us and thenegative communication that exists within ourselves that tends tocauterize our souls.Three Kinds of CommunicationI have noticed that there are essentially three kinds ofcommunication -- functional, dysfunctional and congruent:Functional -- We need at least to have functional communicationwith our spouse, our children, our elderly parents, our relatives andfriends and those with whom we work. Functional communicationexists when relations are cordial and relatively pleasant. Unfortunately,there’s a lot of uncivil and rude discourse rolling around America these days.We fail to return phone calls from a friend because we don’t want to bebothered. Young people dump their latest date with a cruel and hurtful textmessage. Why do we need to be so hurtful?In functional communication, we seek neither to manipulate theother nor to be manipulated by them. When we leave the moment ofcommunication, both we and the person to whom we have beencommunicating have a satisfying feeling of being "OK." Functionalcommunication is, more or less, personal and respectful; it is healthycommunication. We also should have functionalcommunication out in themarketplace, too -- with those who onus in a restaurant and who serve us inthe checkout line of the supermarket. I must confess I have been guilty of yellingat telemarketers on the phone. But now Irealize there’s a person on the other end ofthe line just trying to eke out a living; Idon’t need to make her day worse byyelling at her. But then again I was yelledat every day of my life for 18 years.We also need to have healthy orfunctional communication when we
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communicate within ourselves as well. We need to treat ourselves aspersons -- respectfully and gently. But many of us don’t do that! Many of us are very harsh with ourselves. Do you talk gently andrespectfully to yourself? Do you take the time to listen to what yourbody is telling you? What you are feeling right now? What thoughtsare racing around your head? What you want (intend) to happen rightnow?Dysfunctional -- This kind of communicationmakes either or both parties in the communicationdisturbed and feeling "not OK". Dysfunctionalcommunication is unhealthy communication. Oftenthis is because one or both parties wants to control ormanipulate the other or the conversation. This happensbetween spouses or between parents and children. People tend to become hurt through this kind ofcommunication and often withdraw within themselves. No communication (the famous “silent treatment” isdysfunctional communication. People need feedback. A word of praise. A thank you. We all do. We want toknow: Are we doing OK? Is there something wrong? If so – what???When we talk down to someone else, treat them not as an equal, orwhen we allow ourselves to be talked down to, when we eitherdominate or let someone else dominate us, we tend to use the samepattern in communicating in many other arenas. Bickering is alsodysfunctional. We can learn to say what we mean – respectfully anddirectly.Sometimes communication patterns are repeated over and overagain, even if the situation has changed. If a father or mothercommunicates harshly we may psychically end up with a husband orwife who also communicates harshly. We can also be abusive to ourselves and often are. Ourcommunication within can be filled with dysfunction to the point thatwe do not really or honestly know what is going on inside ourselves.We can become very sick emotionally and mentally and inflict thiscondition on people around us. So, too, if we are involved in dysfunctional outer and/or innercommunication, it is very difficult for us to make proper contact withGod. We may feel not OK in relation to God. A lot of people live intorment about that. My heart goes out to these folks. Indeed, there’snothing more than I want to do with my life than to help people feel OK withtheir God!Thirdly, the most enriching and satisfying kind of communicationis . . .
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Congruent -- Functional communication is not enough. Jesusreally went beyond that. His communication -- both in listening andspeaking -- was truly loving. He gave himself totally to those towhom he was present at the moment. He gave each person his fullattention. I am trying to learn how to do that. Even giving someone onemoment of one’s full attention can change their day and maybe theirlife! Jesus listened with his whole being and spoke from his heart. Carl Rogers has called this "congruence in communication.” "What ispresent in our feelings, and is present in our thoughts is also present inour communication." There is a convergence of all three aspects ofourselves. This leads naturally to a kind of open, natural and intimatecommunication that deeply nourishes and uplifts all the partiesinvolved. Healing takes place on a very deep level.Let’s pause for a moment to enter into this famous icon. (Icons aremeant to draw us beyond the image to make contact with the sacred.) This icon of the Trinity was painted around 1410 by Andrei Rublev. Itdepicts the three angels who visited Abraham at the Oak of Mamre but is ofteninterpreted as an icon of the Trinity. The image is full of symbolism -designed to take the viewer into the Mystery of the Trinity. The Father is tothe left, Jesus in the center, the Holy Spirit to the right. Notice how presentthey are to one another! You can feel their mutual regard, their love! It istheir constant love for each other that sustains all of us and the whole universefrom moment to moment. Notice their eye contact. This is the way we shouldall communicate – with a free, open space between us and those we are talkingwith, making good eye contact, listening deeply, fully attentive to the other.
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People walk away from a congruent conversation feeling joyful /known and accepted for who they are / cared for / content /peaceful. Both the outer and inner being are in harmony. This is howJesus expressed love. Simply by talking to and listening to peoplerespectfully. He heard not only what the person was saying, but whats/he was not saying. And when he spoke, he spoke to heal, to forgive,to affirm and, yes, sometimes to correct. To make people feel wholeand worthwhile.Congruent conversation is also necessary when there are difficultor painful matters to discuss. We are entitled to our feelings and ourperceptions – if we own them and do not attack another. But first we have to know what we are feeling, thinking andintending -- what we are trying to accomplish in the conversation. Dowe want to get someone to do something? Do we want to comfortthem? The most important part of congruent conversation is listening. That’s hard work. We’re so interested in what we’re going to say next,we don’t listen. We need to lean forward and open all our pores; listenwith our eyes as well as our ears; read subtle signs of fear or worry. Listen for what people are not saying.Congruent conversation is always meaningful conversationbecause it’s real and honest. We speak about what really matters toeach other. It leads to the most fulfilling experiences of life. I needpeople in my life with whom I can converse on that level. With whomI can be real. Without need to pretend. With whom I can discover myTrue Self. If I don’t have that kind of conversation regularly, I get sick. We don’t need more Prozac in our country; we need more nourishing,uplifting conversation!Congruence in prayer. So, too, when we communicate to God weneed to be real. Talk to him about your worries, your dreams, evenyour sex life! Whatever is going on with you. When we pray with ourwhole selves, we know we are heard and we know we are really hearingwhat God has to say to us. We will devote a whole issue on congruence inprayer later in this series.The most important thing about congruence is honesty. We needto be honest about what we are thinking, feeling and intending (1)with ourselves, (2) with others, and (3) with God. Without striving forthat kind of honesty and authenticity, we are not really living a full,rich life. We’ll be headed down a wrong path. But honesty requirescourage and inner strength, a refusal to lie to ourselves about anything.Isn’t that what makes life worthwhile?
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й Copyright 1989, 2010. Bob Traupman. All rights reserved.2999 NW 48th Avenue / Lauderdale Lakes, FL 33313 /954-533-4478 / arise7@me.com / spirit7.com Check out my blog with more of my writings at:www.bobtraupman.wordpress.com